Monday, December 31, 2012

My Faith Crisis

Once upon a time I was a member of the Mormon religion.  I ended that relationship and I wanted to share my story.  My faith crisis.  My spiritual journey.   

I debated long and hard, whether or not to write this.  However, it was two others blog posts that gave me comfort when this all began and I feel it is my time to pay it forward.  It is my turn to be there for someone else who is searching, praying, begging for an answer, to have someone understand their pain and their path.  I owe these two other bloggers for being brave enough to write down their journey and post it on the internet so I could read it and KNOW I am not alone.  They were the reason I kept going.  They were the reason I was brave enough to dig further into the LDS churches history.  I owe them more then they will ever know.

I am not sure when it started.  I would say some time during my early teens.  I believed in God and I believed in Jesus Christ, but for many reasons I did not like Joseph Smith.  I would watch movies on him and I would feel uneasy and almost disgusted with him.  He was arrogant, chauvinistic and disrespectful towards his wife, Emma.  I admired Emma from the first stories I can remember of her.  She was strong and loving.  She did not like the idea of polygamy, but despite her dislike Joseph married other women and said it was a commandment by God.

 I never liked that.  The God I knew would not disrespect another person the way Joseph did to Emma.  The God I knew would not make women feel inferior to man.  The way Joseph depicted God, was not the God I felt I had a relationship with.  I struggled with that for years.  I was tolerant of Joseph Smith, because I believed the gospel of Jesus Christ was true.  However, I could not ever completely agree he was a true prophet of God.

My first experience of hearing anything other than the Mormon beliefs was when I was about seventeen.  My best friend told me she did not know if she believed Christ was our Savior.  I freaked out on her.  I told her I did not think we could be friends.  I was so devastated that my dearest friend would even dream that Christ was not our Savior.  There was no other way in my eyes.  My parents had taught me the truth and she was going against my beliefs in a way that was absolutely terrifying to me.  

We did get past it and she never brought it up again while we were younger.  I think my shunning of her put a wedge in our relationship.  I was so ignorant and so full of myself, that I could not see past the picture my parents and leaders had painted for me.  There was no other path that was right and I allowed my ignorance to hurt my best friend and our relationship.

After I graduated high school, I moved out of my parents’ house, into a duplex with my girlfriends.  We stopped going to church and spent our Sundays sleeping and watching TV.  Actually, we spent most of that summer playing, sleeping and watching a lot of TV.  It was a wonderful summer and I thoroughly enjoyed not going to church.  

Over the next couple of years I did not attend church very often and I met many other people from many walks of life.  Some were Atheist, Jehovah Witnesses, New Age and many people from different Christian practices or religions.  I was still very defensive of what my parents had taught me to be true, but my eyes were opening, very slowly.  

When I was 19, I moved to New York for 6 months to be a nanny.  My employers were non-religious and drank alcohol, which was very foreign to me.  They had intelligent conversations about life, religion and politics and their two boys were very much involved with these conversations.  I found it strange but enjoyable and enlightening.  It was a different view of life and way of living and I found it refreshing.

At 21 years of age I married my first husband.  The majority of his family was not Mormon, but he had been baptized at nineteen and attended once and a while.  Once we were married we rarely attended church.  When we did go, we didn’t stick around for long.  We preferred hanging out with his family and playing on Sundays.  I became accustomed to that way of life and felt it was a much better way to spend my Sundays.  But I still believed the Mormon Church was true.  I believed I would always return and I would go through the temple and I would be a full attendance member.  My life with my first husband was a constant internal conflict.  I preferred the family fun day on Sundays, but had been conditioned going to church and paying my tithing and fulfilling my callings and going to the temple was the only way to eternal happiness in the afterlife.  I was constantly conflicted with what was right.  My father-in-law said his family was his religion.  That seemed far better than going to three hours of church and hating every moment of it.

After my husband and I divorced, I decided to return to church.  I remember walking into the church house near my new home and seeing a girl I went to high school with.  I turned around and walked back out.  My life was a disaster.  I felt I would be judged, because that is what I had witnessed my whole life in the Mormon church.  If you did not conduct your life the way they said you should then your life would be a disaster and Satan would have control of you.  I feared the judgments.  So to avoid the "looking down their nose" from the people in my religion, I chose to stay away from church all together.   

This story just got longer then I expected!  Today is New Year’s Eve and I want to post before the day is over.  This is my healing.  This is my gift.  Whether or not anyone cares is beside the point.  I hope you stick around to read the whole thing...

One year after my divorce something happened that caused me a great deal of pain.  I was very regretful, pained to my core.  I went to my bishop, confessed my “sins” and began down a path of repentance.  It was hard, painful and I felt very guilty.   

The funny thing is, when I look back on all of it, I believe I was very hard on myself.  What I had done was a mistake, but it was not horrible.  It was not destructive and it wouldn’t have hurt anyone else.  But because of my religious beliefs I thought I was the most horrible person.  I was judging myself extremely unfairly.  

 However, I went through the repentance process, I was married to another man and I went through the Mormon temple and performed their sacred ordinances.  I was disgusted by the rituals in the temple, when I went through but I was so afraid to tell anyone.  I hated every single moment of it and wished I had never gone.  It felt cultish and wrong.  I never felt right about the endowment ordinance and I did not ever want to go back.  But in my mind, it was the true church so I plowed forward and did exactly what I was supposed to do.  I attended church, fulfilled my callings, prayed, read my scriptures and even occasionally returned to the temple. 

Going to the temple was the beginning of the end for me... My questions were piling up.  My doubts were bursting from the seams.  And it was taking everything I had just to keep moving forward as a member of that religion.

The summer of 2011 I began reading the Book of Mormon again for the 4th time.  I always felt it was full of baloney stories that did not depict the God I believed in.  I wanted to read it this time with prayerful meditation.  I wanted to do it right, even though I felt I had done it right the other three times.  I had to know it was true.  I had to know Joseph Smith was a true prophet.  I had to know for sure.  For months I read the scriptures, prayed more than I had ever prayed before and read many talks and books written by apostles of the church.  I was determined to get that knowledge the LDS church was true.  In January I was exploring the internet and typed in “The Book of Mormon” (more curious about what was out there about the book, not thinking I would find anything against it, that is how ignorant I was) and I found this website…

I began reading.   


I clicked on the Book of Abraham and that was when I wanted to throw up.  I was sick.  I researched for days on end and as my foundation began to crumble, my long time questions began to be answered.  

*The blacks receiving the priesthood was not from revelation
*Brigham Young tyranny and why
*Joseph Smith and why I had felt so disgusted with him
*Polygamy and the truth behind it
*the Book of Mormons discrepancies with the Native Americans, horses, civilizations not existing, etc. etc. etc.  

The days rolled into weeks and my knowledge of the true church history was breaking my heart.  I was devastated.  I felt like I had been lied to my whole life by everyone.  I remember going to the temple, praying it would fix things, but as I was sitting there I KNEW it was wrong.  I knew this religion was not true.  I knew my eyes had been closed my whole life and now they were opening more than ever.  My whole foundation had been ripped out from underneath and I had no idea where to turn or what to do.  

During this time is when I read Dan's blog post, from Single Dad Laughing, about his decision to leave the LDS church.

I also found another blog post from an exmormon who had told her story of leaving the church.  I emailed her and asked her how she got through it.  I also emailed Dan.  They both replied and gave me their own advice and how they made their life work after being a Mormon.  I will forever be grateful for their courage to write those posts and then to email me back when I needed someone to hold me up.  I felt like I was drowning and I had no idea who to turn to.  They were a light in my life and this is why I have chosen to write this post.

My new spiritual journey did not end there.  

I researched for months.  

I prayed constantly, looking for guidance.  

One day in particular I remember praying all day long.  I cried constantly and I begged for an answer.  I wanted to know if any religion was right.  I wanted to know if I needed to be a part of any religion.  

That night I saw “The Hunger Games”.  During the movie the president was speaking to the gamekeeper and he asked him, “Do you know why we have a winner?”  The gamekeeper said, no and asked why.  The president said in so many words, “We instill fear into them and then we give them hope.  Because hope is stronger than fear.”  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  This is exactly what the LDS church does.  They tell people unless they are sealed in the LDS temples they will not be with their families in the afterlife.  They instill the fear and then give them hope.   

Right then I knew!  I knew it was all false.  I had been given my answer.  It was one of the most painful nights of my life.  I cried for hours.  I looked at my picture of Christ, sitting in my room, and begged to know if he was real.  I was pained in a way I never had known before.  My heart ached and I literally felt like a part of myself was dying.  I will never forget that moment.

To this day, I am still researching Jesus’s life and if he was even a real man.

I have done more research in the past year and a half about God, religion and spirituality, then I have done in my entire life.  My life has changed in more ways in this past year, then in my whole life.  It has been a rollercoaster ride and although the downs have been extremely heartbreaking, I would not change a single moment.  I have come out on the other end with my eyes wide open and my life filled with more joy and amazement than ever before.  My life is an adventure and despite the sadness and pain, I know the happiness and wonderment are worth those moments. 

A little over a month ago I realized something.  I had not felt God in a while.  I had not felt THAT love and peace for at least a month or two.  

It scared me.  

I sobbed tears of fear for days.  

I sat in my bathroom and begged to have his/her love back.  I felt so alone and scared.  In all my life I had never gone without it and all of a sudden it was gone.  

That is when I was hit with the thought, “What if god was always just inside my head.  What if god was never real?”  The thought shook me to the core.   

I cried even more.  

I pleaded.  

I did not understand how I could imagine god’s love.  It was far more painful of a moment then the moment I found out the church was false.  I had never felt more alone then at that moment.

I carried on with my life, acting like nothing was going on.  I moved forward and pretended I was not in pain.  Then one night a few weeks ago, I was out to dinner with two of my dearest, closest girlfriends.  Towards the end I broke down.  I told them what I had been going through.  I told them my fear of god being all in my head.  For a moment, it was quiet.  But just for a moment.  My two friends are not Mormon.  They left a long time ago.  They have their own beliefs but neither fit into any certain religious category.  However, one thing they agreed on and told me in so many words, is that I had to find God inside myself.

I thought about what they had both said throughout the night.  I had gone over to a friend’s house for a get together and at the end of the night I drove my good friend home.  On the way I told him the same thing I had told my girlfriends.  He listened quietly and before he got out of the car, he told me the same thing they had said, I had to find god’s love inside myself. 

The next week I was at work and I decided to confide into my close friend there.  I broke down, still feeling very emotional about this path I was on and told her how I could not feel god any more.  She listened quietly as well.  At the end, she told me I had to find god inside myself.   

As soon as she said this, my mind quieted.  I thought back to my other three friends who had all said the same thing.  Four people who believe entirely different from one another, had all given me the same advice.   

My two girlfriends, who are spiritual, but believe quite differently in who god is.   

My atheist friend. 

And lastly my Mormon friend.   

There is a UNIVERSAL belief.   

Despite everyone’s different beliefs, they all love me enough to look inside themselves and see where they find their peace and love. 

I was blown away by this!

I had a huge ah-ha moment and at that very moment I realized something. 

We are all ONE.  

We are all made by the same love.  

Whether it is god, the universe, nature… we are all made from the same stuff.  It doesn’t matter what we all believe or how we get there.  All that matters is the love we have for each other.  To feel that love come from the core of your being and showing it, paying it forward to others is what god is all about.  There is no superior being sitting up in heaven judging us and expecting us to separate ourselves from one another by creating these divisions in humanity.  No matter what we believe or who we believe in, it all comes back to love for one another.   

I was looking outside myself for god, while the whole time god was inside me.  God is love and comes from within.  I remember now.  I feel it again and I know I will never go without it again. 

This is my story.  It is not an easy path, but it is a worthwhile path.  I will not apologize for following my inner knowing and being the person I am.  I am this person for a reason and I hope because I have finally opened my eyes, I can be there for others who are struggling to let go of society’s shackles.  I am leaving my past where it belongs and only using it to inspire others.  

It can be done.   

A person can break free.   

It is hard and it is painful, but it is worth it.  

And the best part is, there are many of us free thinkers out in the world!

You are not alone.  If that is what I can give back to the world, then I will know I have done my part.

Namaste, my friends :) 

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

I'm Wide Awake

One of my favorite songs right now is “Wide Awake” by Katy Perry.  Why you ask? J  Well, it describes my whole past year.  The lyrics describe my choice to leave a suffocating marriage and even more suffocating religion.  

It’s an amazing feeling and I have never felt more alive, more excited about life and more in-tune to my inner knowing.  I look back on the last ten years and I feel like I was in a dream, with occasional moments where I was slightly awake.  The times I would wake up, was when I was challenged and when I stepped out of my comfort zone.  The problem was I always ended stepping back into my bubble.  I did it out of fear, out of guilt, or out of family/friend pressure.  The dream continued and I was falling deeper and deeper into a fog of suffocation.  Then my life exploded right before my eyes and I “hit the concrete”.  It was scary moment, it was a risk, but I KNEW as I gained steady ground it was the right path for me.

Now I live for myself.  I follow my intuition.  I do what feels right for my soul and no one else’s.  If it does not feel right I end it.
I started this Happiness Project to follow what Gretchen Rubin did, however my project turned into something completely different.  My life has changed in almost every area.  I am no longer married.  I no longer participate in organized religion.  The way I view God is more personal and gratifying.  I no longer am involved in my step-daughters lives (occasionally and this is not a good thing, but something I cannot control).  I am closer and more connected to my three kids.  I see life as a time to love and give to others more than I ever saw it before.  My relationships with my family and friends feel different… more authentic, more real and more honest.  All these changes and... I FEEL AMAZING.

I won’t bow down any more.  I won’t dive in to anything I feel is wrong for me.  Life is too short and too crazy fun to live life according to someone else’s beliefs.  I am no longer blind.  I choose me and I am TOTALLY in love with my life.

I am so excited about where I am going!  I am excited to meet new people.  I am excited to see new places.  I am excited to be a part of the world.  This world is fantastic.  Sure it is scary at times and has some very sad things happen, but it also has amazing things happen.  It is full of life.  People can be jerks, but they also can be awesome!  Keep smiling folks!  The ride can only get better as long as you believe it will.  See ya out there!

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

A Day of Remembrance

Today is a somber day for me.  Today is a day I will never forget for the rest of my life.  Today is the day my first husband passed away.  It was seven years ago today I received the call from the fireman telling me my ex-husband had passed away and that I needed to come get my kids.  I called him a liar.  I thought it was one of my ex-husbands jokes.  He had been known to take his jokes too far before, so why not this time as well.  After I realized it was not a joke, I remember my panic.  I remember my heartache.  I remember calling my husband and sobbing as I tried to tell him Chad had passed away.  I remember calling my sister on the drive over to Chads parents’ house and asking her to call my parents.  I remember driving up to their house and seeing the ambulance and firetruck and then… my children.  Standing there in the driveway, confused and sad.  I remember running to them and pulling them into my arms.  I remember sobbing.  I remember not being able to speak and not really believing he was gone.  I remember his parent’s faces.  I remember hugging his mom and her tear streaked face.  I remember his sister pulling up at the house, not knowing her brother was dead.  I remember her mom telling her and the pain and anguish that passed over her face.  I remember it all.  I remember the feelings of that day like it was yesterday.  I remember wondering how I was EVER going to make my kids understand how much their dad loved and adored them.

I remember taking my daughter to her first day of school the very next day and pulling her teacher aside and telling her what happened.  I remember leaving my daughter at school, praying she would have a semi-normal day.  And then it was all a blur.  The next five days were a blur.  I remember the pain.  I remember the tears.  I remember my son asking when his daddy was going to wake up.  I remember my daughter crying herself to sleep every night, knowing there was NOTHING I could do to take that pain away.  But other than that the week was a blur.  If there was a hell, this is how I imagine it.  Because seeing the pain in my childrens eyes and KNOWING I could not take it away was the worst hell I have ever experienced.

Chad was an amazing man.  He came into my life like a whirlwind and he left the same.  He was full of life.  He was full of love.  He was ALWAYS on the go.  He made life exciting.  Dealing with his drug addiction on my part was the hardest part of my life (aside from his death).  I KNOW it was the hardest battle of his life and he fought his addiction time and time again.  Sometimes winning and sometimes losing.  In the end the drugs won out, but not because he was weak.   No, Chad was one of the strongest, most giving, most loving, most valiant men I have EVER known.  He would have given the shirt off his back for someone in need.  He was the one who befriended everyone he met and took in stray friends all the time.  He always had someone he wanted to help.  I think he took on too much and the drugs were a way for him to feel like he could do it all. 

Chad lowered his light for the people around him.  He was so giving and so loving that he KNEW he had to be the one to teach the ones around him.  So in order to do that he lowered HIS light so others could get the lessons in this life they had wanted before coming here.  I truly believe that.  I believe in a life before this one.  I believe it was one of love, humility and giving and I believe we came here as higher beings to learn important lessons to further our eternal progression.  And Chad was more conscious then others of the importance of the lessons we learn.  He was not weak.  He was not a scumbag.  He was not a horrible man.  He chose to come here with his light lowered, so the people around him could become stronger.  He sacrificed his light so I could learn to be a stronger and more forgiving person.  He gave me the ultimate gift and for that I am so grateful to him.  I am so honored to have known him in a way that not many others knew him.  And I am so grateful for the two babies he gave me.  They are my rocks.  They are my life.  I can never repay him for ALL the gifts he gave me in this lifetime.  I could forever rehash the pain and the turmoil he brought in my life, but really if he hadn’t done what he had done, I would not have become who I am today.  And I love who I am today.  He gave me the ultimate gift.  He was the unselfish one.  He was the giver.  Chad will forever be remembered in my heart and will continue to live on in his children’s faces, lives and accomplishments.  Thank you Chad for being who you are and for knowing exactly what to do in order for me to be a better mom, a better friend and a better person overall.  You will forever be one of my greatest hero’s. 

Thursday, July 12, 2012

The Path of My Awareness

I haven't been writing anything on my blog for many reason.  The biggest... I haven't really done anything that pertains to this project.  My life has been very busy and the amount of time I have spent on any of my projects has been minimal. 

These past two months have flown by and I did not even realize I had not written for a full two months.  I am growing in so many ways and so quickly. 

It's as if God is saying, "Now that your mind is finally open to ALL possibilities, let me hurdle all possibilities of growth at you at once."  I have so much to say and so much on my mind.  My original path for this project has taken a serious detour and it is finally time for me to acknowledge it and accept it.

My book is still a work in process and I am still enjoying the work I am putting into it.  It has not been as much as I would like, but it is still happening.  I have decided to put it on hold until September.  I will slowly work on it for the time being, but this will give me some time to work on the other things that have come into play.

Many of my friends and family have asked where I am spiritually since I have left the Mormon religion.  So here it goes... I am not Atheist.  I am more of an Agnostic/New Age (if you really want to give my belief system a label).  I respect Atheists and I have many for friends.  I know why they believe the way they do and I respect and honor that.  

However, I do believe there is something out there.  What it is I have no idea and I am okay with that.  I believe my mom is out there some where, along with my children's dad and all the other people who have passed on.  I am not bitter nor am I unhappy believing the way I do.  I left the Mormon religion out of facts and although I went through a difficult grief process after I found out the truth, I am on the other end now and I know this is the RIGHT path for my life.  

I have never felt more authentic and real in my whole life.  I don't need a religion or a god to tell me to be a good person.  I choose to be a person of integrity and high morals because it feels right for me.  Not because someone else is telling me to be.  

My spiritual path is more intense then ever now.  I feel highly in touch with what I believe to be spirituality and I am learning every day what it takes to feel connected to god or a higher power/energy system.  I believe everything happens for a reason and as I learn more and more about my life and the people who come in and out of it, I know they all have their reasons and places in my life.  

And I know some people are only lessons and once I have learned that lesson it is best to have them wiped away from my life... :)

Speaking of having people coming in and out of my life, I have started dating again and I realize it is not what I want to do. I don't like to be out there meeting new men and giving them the interview to be a part of their life. At this point I want to stop it completely, but my good friend told me not to make anything absolute. She said I should go at my own pace and not someone else's. 

Dating has definitely thrown me off balance. Where I was once sure footed and confident, I am now staggering and turned around. I have to take a step back... what that looks like I'm not sure. I am just going to do it and see where it takes me.

Being divorced twice and feeling betrayed by the men who have come into my life I am slightly bitter on that issue.  I have little trust for men, which goes back to the dating issue.  I have been hurt in ways I never thought possible and the thought of trusting a man again frightens me.  

I know I cannot live in fear so I believe I need to focus on me and my mind and figure out how to trust again.  Hence my step back from dating or at least a serious slow down.  I am going to be with my kids, enjoy my many many projects and goals and hang out with my wonderful friends.  

Some how I have to keep my life focused on the most important things and not worry about the future or the possibility of having a man in my life again.  My pain from my ex-husbands is something I still need to deal with.  I know I am still sifting through some of the issues of my first husband, although I believe I have dealt with most of it.  It's the betrayal and pain I got from my second husband that is holding me back.  To give a person your complete trust and loyalty, to adore them and cherish them with everything you have and then to have them treat you like the dirt on their shoes and betray you in a way you never thought possible, that is where my issue lies.  

How does a person ever pull through that?  How does a person ever trust again?  How can I date anyone at this moment in life when I know I can not give them everything? 

I have to find my center, my solid bearings and my confidence again.  I have to find the best in me so I can give the best to others and so I can attract the best possible man into my life.  I do not want to do this again.  I want the next one to be it and I want to give him everything, heart, mind and soul. 

I'm on this crazy journey called life and I am doing the best I can with the tools I have.  I am a powerful woman who will eventually find my own stability by being alone for a while. 

I truly believe I need my alone time. 

As I have seen my life become unstable because I started focusing on dating men, more then I was focused on my personal growth and happiness, I realize being alone is more important then ever.  I will be okay and I believe when I have gotten it all figured out I will be far more capable of trusting and loving again. 

There is someone out there who will not hurt me (at least not intentionally) and who will love me for who I am instead of who they can change me to be.  So there it is... my full life disclosure!  At least what I am willing to share with the world. ;) 

Friday, May 11, 2012

Month 4 - Creating My New Life

Major shifts have occurred in my life in the past few months.  This happiness project I have been working on has become a whole different beast in itself.

As I stated in my last post, I have been de-cluttering my life.  And now I can actually talk about what has happened and where I am going.

First, my husband and I are getting a divorce.  It does not matter why or how.  We are both responsible for the demise of our marriage.  I'm not going to go any further into this change in my life.  It is what it is and I am moving on with my life.

The next shift in my life is something that has been happening for about 20 years.  I finally had the courage to face what I already knew and to find out why I felt the way I did.

About three months ago I decided to leave the LDS religion.  I was raised in this faith my whole life.  I did stop attending when I was 18 but only because it did not fit into my lifestyle at that time, not because of anything I discovered.  I still believed it was the only way to make it to heaven.

I was on again, off again in this faith until I was 27, and then I decided I would go back for good.  I was endowed in the LDS temple, sealed to my husband and kids, and dedicated my life to its teachings.

However, there was so much about it that I couldn't shake off.  Several issues I kept putting up on my shelf, hoping they would be explained some day.  They ranged from:
  • Polygamy
  • Blacks not receiving the Priesthood
  • The dishonoring of Emma Smith by the LDS founder and first prophet, Joseph Smith
  • The strange similarities of the rituals in the temple vs. the Free Masons
  • The changing revelations throughout history, even though God is omniscient
  • Brigham Young's cruel domain over the LDS people and his racist and sexist attitude
  • And many more...
My shelf was getting overwhelmed and I was having a difficult time holding my faith in this religion.  I prayed night and day, read my scriptures, attended church, fulfilled my callings and visited the temple.  However, my doubts grew daily.

One day, I began to dig into the church history and I commenced unfolding, one lie after another.  I was sick to my stomach.  For days I researched and read, digging deeper and deeper and finally the whole catastrophe exploded in my face.  I would never be able to unsee what was before me.

I had taken the red pill and there was no going back.

So here I am.  Two shifts in my life.  Two decisions that I have made based on facts and some emotions, but mostly facts.  I am happy with both decisions.  I see my life in a whole different way and I am excited about it.  For the first time in my life I feel I am being genuinely authentic.  It took me a while to let my family know where I was at, but now that I have I feel I can be exactly who I am without the worry of my family finding out from someone else.

Now that we have covered that craziness, I can move onto what my goal is for the month of May.  My book is over half way done.  I have pulled it back out and I am now re-reading it and editing what I have already written.  Once I know exactly where I am with it and have finished editing, I want to complete it.

I am super excited about my book and I hope it will be everything I have dreamed it will be.  My goal by the end of the month is to be finished.  That gives me 20 days to complete the last third of my book!

As my friends and family, I know you will all be supportive in my journey.  I am happy and I am looking forward to this new adventure in my life.

As Dr. Wayne Dyer says, "When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor. It's to enjoy each step along the way."

Thanks for all your love and support.  I will keep you updated with my progress!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Month 3 - Personal growth

I have been horrible about getting this post going for month 3.  It has been a trying month and I have so much I would like to write, but due to my circumstances I have to keep my life pretty vague for now.  Major changes in my life are occurring and because of these changes my thoughts and actions have been wrapped up in them.  Once things have settled down more I will definitely post these changes on the blog.  Until then I have to be quiet about them.

This month (April) I wanted to dedicate the whole month to my book.  I began writing a book last spring with ideas and rough writing for the whole year before that.  I have been so excited about it and I am over half way done. 

Back in September I began working full-time again.  And November through January my boss was on maternity leave so I was doing her job and my job.  It was extremely chaotic, fun and stressful all at the same time.  I had to put my book on hold for the majority of that time. 

Then in January some things began to happen in my personal life... but I cannot say more than that at this time.  I believe in my previous post I divulged more, so if you are really curious go back and read that one.  Although, it is fairly vague as well! 

Therefore, my book has been placed on the back burner for a good long time.  My goal this month was to  jump back into writing and give it my full attention.  Did not happen.  I have given it some thought and I have had ideas flowing, but as for sitting down and actually doing it, that did not happen.

I want to still get moving on my book and still plan on doing that this month.  However, this month is going to be for my personal growth. 

I have done some major de-cluttering of my mind, thoughts and emotions.  I am going to finish this month by taking ownership of myself.  As these major changes take more form and become a part of me as a person, I deserve to be present for every moment and keep myself centered and balanced.  I realize now how important this is for me and my future. 

This kind of says it all for me.  It's never too late...  I am moving forward and finding the strength as I go to continue on.  Even when I feel like the rug is being pulled out from underneath me, I am pushing forward and leaping where necessary. 

I am the only person who gets to live my life and if I continue to live a life of pretend, just to make others happy, the people who really matter will never know the true and authentic person inside me. 

This month is dedicated to my growth.  Whatever that looks like, we will see.  I am not worried about it as long as I follow my God and my inner knowing. 

I will no longer be the person who is a follower.  I will no longer be the person who second guesses my God given intuition.  I will no longer be dead inside.  I will live as a powerful being who God created to do amazing things.  I will own who I am and be the person I know inside. 

No one will stop me from being me ever again.
I will get back to my book and I will finish it.  It will not be this month, but I am hoping I can give it my full attention starting in May. 

Please be patient as I go through these major transitions in my life.  I will be disclosing them when the time is right and I will continue to update this blog as I have time.  This is more for my own spiritual, emotional and mental growth and I understand if no one really cares.  But I still want to continue on with my happiness project and see it to the end. 

I appreciate the ones who do support me in my journey and I love all of you who will remain my friend even when I am no longer a part of the fold.  God be with all of you!  Namaste.