Thursday, July 12, 2012

The Path of My Awareness

I haven't been writing anything on my blog for many reason.  The biggest... I haven't really done anything that pertains to this project.  My life has been very busy and the amount of time I have spent on any of my projects has been minimal. 

These past two months have flown by and I did not even realize I had not written for a full two months.  I am growing in so many ways and so quickly. 

It's as if God is saying, "Now that your mind is finally open to ALL possibilities, let me hurdle all possibilities of growth at you at once."  I have so much to say and so much on my mind.  My original path for this project has taken a serious detour and it is finally time for me to acknowledge it and accept it.


My book is still a work in process and I am still enjoying the work I am putting into it.  It has not been as much as I would like, but it is still happening.  I have decided to put it on hold until September.  I will slowly work on it for the time being, but this will give me some time to work on the other things that have come into play.

Many of my friends and family have asked where I am spiritually since I have left the Mormon religion.  So here it goes... I am not Atheist.  I am more of an Agnostic/New Age (if you really want to give my belief system a label).  I respect Atheists and I have many for friends.  I know why they believe the way they do and I respect and honor that.  

However, I do believe there is something out there.  What it is I have no idea and I am okay with that.  I believe my mom is out there some where, along with my children's dad and all the other people who have passed on.  I am not bitter nor am I unhappy believing the way I do.  I left the Mormon religion out of facts and although I went through a difficult grief process after I found out the truth, I am on the other end now and I know this is the RIGHT path for my life.  

I have never felt more authentic and real in my whole life.  I don't need a religion or a god to tell me to be a good person.  I choose to be a person of integrity and high morals because it feels right for me.  Not because someone else is telling me to be.  

My spiritual path is more intense then ever now.  I feel highly in touch with what I believe to be spirituality and I am learning every day what it takes to feel connected to god or a higher power/energy system.  I believe everything happens for a reason and as I learn more and more about my life and the people who come in and out of it, I know they all have their reasons and places in my life.  

And I know some people are only lessons and once I have learned that lesson it is best to have them wiped away from my life... :)


Speaking of having people coming in and out of my life, I have started dating again and I realize it is not what I want to do. I don't like to be out there meeting new men and giving them the interview to be a part of their life. At this point I want to stop it completely, but my good friend told me not to make anything absolute. She said I should go at my own pace and not someone else's. 

Dating has definitely thrown me off balance. Where I was once sure footed and confident, I am now staggering and turned around. I have to take a step back... what that looks like I'm not sure. I am just going to do it and see where it takes me.

Being divorced twice and feeling betrayed by the men who have come into my life I am slightly bitter on that issue.  I have little trust for men, which goes back to the dating issue.  I have been hurt in ways I never thought possible and the thought of trusting a man again frightens me.  

I know I cannot live in fear so I believe I need to focus on me and my mind and figure out how to trust again.  Hence my step back from dating or at least a serious slow down.  I am going to be with my kids, enjoy my many many projects and goals and hang out with my wonderful friends.  

Some how I have to keep my life focused on the most important things and not worry about the future or the possibility of having a man in my life again.  My pain from my ex-husbands is something I still need to deal with.  I know I am still sifting through some of the issues of my first husband, although I believe I have dealt with most of it.  It's the betrayal and pain I got from my second husband that is holding me back.  To give a person your complete trust and loyalty, to adore them and cherish them with everything you have and then to have them treat you like the dirt on their shoes and betray you in a way you never thought possible, that is where my issue lies.  

How does a person ever pull through that?  How does a person ever trust again?  How can I date anyone at this moment in life when I know I can not give them everything? 


I have to find my center, my solid bearings and my confidence again.  I have to find the best in me so I can give the best to others and so I can attract the best possible man into my life.  I do not want to do this again.  I want the next one to be it and I want to give him everything, heart, mind and soul. 


I'm on this crazy journey called life and I am doing the best I can with the tools I have.  I am a powerful woman who will eventually find my own stability by being alone for a while. 

I truly believe I need my alone time. 

As I have seen my life become unstable because I started focusing on dating men, more then I was focused on my personal growth and happiness, I realize being alone is more important then ever.  I will be okay and I believe when I have gotten it all figured out I will be far more capable of trusting and loving again. 

There is someone out there who will not hurt me (at least not intentionally) and who will love me for who I am instead of who they can change me to be.  So there it is... my full life disclosure!  At least what I am willing to share with the world. ;) 

1 comment:

  1. I love you, Nicole, and I'm here for you. I'm so glad you wrote this, it's very honest and raw. You're blessing many people with your experience. :)

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