Friday, May 11, 2012

Month 4 - Creating My New Life

Major shifts have occurred in my life in the past few months.  This happiness project I have been working on has become a whole different beast in itself.

As I stated in my last post, I have been de-cluttering my life.  And now I can actually talk about what has happened and where I am going.

First, my husband and I are getting a divorce.  It does not matter why or how.  We are both responsible for the demise of our marriage.  I'm not going to go any further into this change in my life.  It is what it is and I am moving on with my life.

The next shift in my life is something that has been happening for about 20 years.  I finally had the courage to face what I already knew and to find out why I felt the way I did.

About three months ago I decided to leave the LDS religion.  I was raised in this faith my whole life.  I did stop attending when I was 18 but only because it did not fit into my lifestyle at that time, not because of anything I discovered.  I still believed it was the only way to make it to heaven.

I was on again, off again in this faith until I was 27, and then I decided I would go back for good.  I was endowed in the LDS temple, sealed to my husband and kids, and dedicated my life to its teachings.

However, there was so much about it that I couldn't shake off.  Several issues I kept putting up on my shelf, hoping they would be explained some day.  They ranged from:
  • Polygamy
  • Blacks not receiving the Priesthood
  • The dishonoring of Emma Smith by the LDS founder and first prophet, Joseph Smith
  • The strange similarities of the rituals in the temple vs. the Free Masons
  • The changing revelations throughout history, even though God is omniscient
  • Brigham Young's cruel domain over the LDS people and his racist and sexist attitude
  • And many more...
My shelf was getting overwhelmed and I was having a difficult time holding my faith in this religion.  I prayed night and day, read my scriptures, attended church, fulfilled my callings and visited the temple.  However, my doubts grew daily.

One day, I began to dig into the church history and I commenced unfolding, one lie after another.  I was sick to my stomach.  For days I researched and read, digging deeper and deeper and finally the whole catastrophe exploded in my face.  I would never be able to unsee what was before me.

I had taken the red pill and there was no going back.

So here I am.  Two shifts in my life.  Two decisions that I have made based on facts and some emotions, but mostly facts.  I am happy with both decisions.  I see my life in a whole different way and I am excited about it.  For the first time in my life I feel I am being genuinely authentic.  It took me a while to let my family know where I was at, but now that I have I feel I can be exactly who I am without the worry of my family finding out from someone else.

Now that we have covered that craziness, I can move onto what my goal is for the month of May.  My book is over half way done.  I have pulled it back out and I am now re-reading it and editing what I have already written.  Once I know exactly where I am with it and have finished editing, I want to complete it.

I am super excited about my book and I hope it will be everything I have dreamed it will be.  My goal by the end of the month is to be finished.  That gives me 20 days to complete the last third of my book!

As my friends and family, I know you will all be supportive in my journey.  I am happy and I am looking forward to this new adventure in my life.

As Dr. Wayne Dyer says, "When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor. It's to enjoy each step along the way."

Thanks for all your love and support.  I will keep you updated with my progress!

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