Tuesday, August 21, 2012

A Day of Remembrance

Today is a somber day for me.  Today is a day I will never forget for the rest of my life.  Today is the day my first husband passed away.  It was seven years ago today I received the call from the fireman telling me my ex-husband had passed away and that I needed to come get my kids.  I called him a liar.  I thought it was one of my ex-husbands jokes.  He had been known to take his jokes too far before, so why not this time as well.  After I realized it was not a joke, I remember my panic.  I remember my heartache.  I remember calling my husband and sobbing as I tried to tell him Chad had passed away.  I remember calling my sister on the drive over to Chads parents’ house and asking her to call my parents.  I remember driving up to their house and seeing the ambulance and firetruck and then… my children.  Standing there in the driveway, confused and sad.  I remember running to them and pulling them into my arms.  I remember sobbing.  I remember not being able to speak and not really believing he was gone.  I remember his parent’s faces.  I remember hugging his mom and her tear streaked face.  I remember his sister pulling up at the house, not knowing her brother was dead.  I remember her mom telling her and the pain and anguish that passed over her face.  I remember it all.  I remember the feelings of that day like it was yesterday.  I remember wondering how I was EVER going to make my kids understand how much their dad loved and adored them.

I remember taking my daughter to her first day of school the very next day and pulling her teacher aside and telling her what happened.  I remember leaving my daughter at school, praying she would have a semi-normal day.  And then it was all a blur.  The next five days were a blur.  I remember the pain.  I remember the tears.  I remember my son asking when his daddy was going to wake up.  I remember my daughter crying herself to sleep every night, knowing there was NOTHING I could do to take that pain away.  But other than that the week was a blur.  If there was a hell, this is how I imagine it.  Because seeing the pain in my childrens eyes and KNOWING I could not take it away was the worst hell I have ever experienced.



Chad was an amazing man.  He came into my life like a whirlwind and he left the same.  He was full of life.  He was full of love.  He was ALWAYS on the go.  He made life exciting.  Dealing with his drug addiction on my part was the hardest part of my life (aside from his death).  I KNOW it was the hardest battle of his life and he fought his addiction time and time again.  Sometimes winning and sometimes losing.  In the end the drugs won out, but not because he was weak.   No, Chad was one of the strongest, most giving, most loving, most valiant men I have EVER known.  He would have given the shirt off his back for someone in need.  He was the one who befriended everyone he met and took in stray friends all the time.  He always had someone he wanted to help.  I think he took on too much and the drugs were a way for him to feel like he could do it all. 

Chad lowered his light for the people around him.  He was so giving and so loving that he KNEW he had to be the one to teach the ones around him.  So in order to do that he lowered HIS light so others could get the lessons in this life they had wanted before coming here.  I truly believe that.  I believe in a life before this one.  I believe it was one of love, humility and giving and I believe we came here as higher beings to learn important lessons to further our eternal progression.  And Chad was more conscious then others of the importance of the lessons we learn.  He was not weak.  He was not a scumbag.  He was not a horrible man.  He chose to come here with his light lowered, so the people around him could become stronger.  He sacrificed his light so I could learn to be a stronger and more forgiving person.  He gave me the ultimate gift and for that I am so grateful to him.  I am so honored to have known him in a way that not many others knew him.  And I am so grateful for the two babies he gave me.  They are my rocks.  They are my life.  I can never repay him for ALL the gifts he gave me in this lifetime.  I could forever rehash the pain and the turmoil he brought in my life, but really if he hadn’t done what he had done, I would not have become who I am today.  And I love who I am today.  He gave me the ultimate gift.  He was the unselfish one.  He was the giver.  Chad will forever be remembered in my heart and will continue to live on in his children’s faces, lives and accomplishments.  Thank you Chad for being who you are and for knowing exactly what to do in order for me to be a better mom, a better friend and a better person overall.  You will forever be one of my greatest hero’s. 

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