Monday, May 6, 2019

Before It Became Complicated

Life is a grand scheme. It hurdles you into the mix of other humans, kicks you from every angle, and then leaves you to die wondering if you completed all that you came here to accomplish. Or does it?

Looking back on my life, I see a trend in the perception of my journey.

Do you have a similar tendency?  Read on to understand what I mean. If not, what do your memories tell you?

It seems I have nearly always believed where I am, in the present moment, is by far the most complicated part of my existence.

But the truth is, my memories betray me, giving me a false sense of security in my past.

Then today arrived.

My eighteen year old son is on his way to Long Island, New York, leaving Utah three nights ago. As I watch him on the GPS tracker, I am in awe in the ability to keep track of his progress and watch him drive across country at such a young age. I live in a day and age where technology has grown leaps and bounds. And because of the technology advancements, I am able to follow my son as he leaves his home state, on his own, for the first time ever.

And despite all the assurances of this technology, I still felt it was much easier when he was safe at home.

Then, my mind traveled back to a year ago, and I realized I had felt the same way. It was much easier when he was thirteen, still needing my help and support. But even at thirteen, I felt it had been a cake walk when he was only nine and loved spending time with me. And at nine, well, raising a young boy of six gave me more security for his safety then it did when he was becoming more independent at eight.

And the years went back, until the beginning of his life.

When I think of my children, or my finances, or just life in general, I can always find a time I thought was easier. Until it really wasn't.

The truth...

Life has always been complicated.

Yesterday was stressful, a week ago was chaotic, last year I had a massive panic attack, five years in the past I came to accept my seasonal depression, eight years ago I had a faith crisis, it's been nearly ten years since I lost my mom, twenty years ago I became a new mom, battling a drug-addict husband, twenty-five years ago I discovered I was being stabbed in the back by close friends, and the girl who bullied me in elementary school was just beginning to leave me alone thirty years in the past.

And the list continues, weaving in and out of all the days, months, and years of my life.

But the beauty of it all is that I am so very grateful for every moment of my life.

All that I've been through has brought me to a present time where I am more fulfilled in all areas of my life then I have ever been before.

I see the unbound wonders of the world.

I have witnessed phenomenal moments where my heart has soared and my soul has rejoiced.

My heart has opened to more people then I can ever remember, and in doing so, they have each left their imprint there.

I am moving on to a new phase in my life. One where my two oldest children are on their own, participating in their own adventures in the world, while my two younger children are beginning to learn who they want to be and why it isn't important to decide today. And us adults are improving our home, adopting a new fur baby, working to be better leaders in our job roles, and hustling harder on our side projects and passions.

Life will always be complicated. Some of these moments we bring upon ourselves, and others are thrown at us, and in those breaths of change we have the opportunity to choose how we will respond.

Life is not happening to us. It is happening FOR us. And with gratitude in my heart and a gentle reminder of how far I have come, my perspective shifts and I rise to a higher frequency.

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