Friday, April 3, 2015

76 Letters

Today was one of those days.

I have had them before and I know I will have them again. 

Today was a day where no matter how hard I persisted, no matter how much I worked, nothing fell into place.  Everything was a battle.  I felt as if I was clawing my way out of a hole and the harder I worked the farther I got from the surface.

By early this afternoon I was drained. 

I felt like a failure.

I am a bad parent.

I am not a good enough employee.

My writing stinks.

I am not exercising enough or right.

My house is a disaster and I am to blame.

These are all thoughts that went through my mind.  First world problems, right?

Yeah, I even thought that.

Most people who know me well, know I am generally a positive person.  I look for the good in all situations.  I look for the silver lining as much as possible.

But even I have my off days.  Today was one of those and I finally broke down.

I hate crying.

Not because I think it is weak, but because when I cry, I feel vulnerable.  One thing I have learned about myself... I do not like to feel vulnerable.

I waited until I was in the shower and I broke down.  I sat down and I cried.

I had my own little private pity party.

I took on my own demons and I cried.  I owned my feelings and took on my distaste for my failures.  I stared those suckers in the face and we duked it out.

Those kinds of showers take longer than usual :)

My mom's birthday is coming up in eleven days.  April 14th.  She would have been 76 this year.

For a while now I have been thinking of a way to honor my mom.  I feel visiting her grave is not what would make her feel loved.  This year, I wanted to do something extra special.  Something that would be of her liking.

She loved service.

And she loved getting letters from the people she loved.

I know how to get myself out of my funk.  Even though I feel I am over my pity party, I still want to go further and honor my mom while ridding myself of my demons.

And some of you just might get a letter from me in the next eleven days :)




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