Today was one of those days.
I have had them before and I know I will have them again.
Today was a day where no matter how hard I persisted, no matter how much I worked, nothing fell into place. Everything was a battle. I felt as if I was clawing my way out of a hole and the harder I worked the farther I got from the surface.
By early this afternoon I was drained.
I felt like a failure.
I am a bad parent.
I am not a good enough employee.
My writing stinks.
I am not exercising enough or right.
My house is a disaster and I am to blame.
These are all thoughts that went through my mind. First world problems, right?
Yeah, I even thought that.
Most people who know me well, know I am generally a positive person. I look for the good in all situations. I look for the silver lining as much as possible.
But even I have my off days. Today was one of those and I finally broke down.
I hate crying.
Not because I think it is weak, but because when I cry, I feel vulnerable. One thing I have learned about myself... I do not like to feel vulnerable.
I waited until I was in the shower and I broke down. I sat down and I cried.
I had my own little private pity party.
I took on my own demons and I cried. I owned my feelings and took on my distaste for my failures. I stared those suckers in the face and we duked it out.
Those kinds of showers take longer than usual :)
My mom's birthday is coming up in eleven days. April 14th. She would have been 76 this year.
For a while now I have been thinking of a way to honor my mom. I feel visiting her grave is not what would make her feel loved. This year, I wanted to do something extra special. Something that would be of her liking.
She loved service.
And she loved getting letters from the people she loved.
I know how to get myself out of my funk. Even though I feel I am over my pity party, I still want to go further and honor my mom while ridding myself of my demons.
And some of you just might get a letter from me in the next eleven days :)