Friday, April 17, 2015

Rising Above the Doom and Gloom

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The past few days have been a bit off for me…  To say the least.  I have discovered I sure like to kick myself when I am already down.  It is a talent I have perfected over the years and I am beginning to think I should kick that talent to the curb. 

Anyone who has lost a loved one knows how it feels when their birthday comes around.  You think you will be okay.  You know in your head it has been a few years, so why would you fall apart again. 
No matter what your head says, your heart likes to throw curve balls into your life and mess with your mind.

It was my mom’s birthday this past Tuesday.  I started the day feeling good and I was going to make it an extra fantastic day in honor of my mom.  I do not know where the turn came in my day and I do not even know the why.  I just know it happened and it was downhill from there. 

I barely could function.  I cried off and on throughout the day.  Work was torture and I had to focus all my energy on just getting my tasks done for my job.  Honestly, it was ridiculous.  I went from on top of the clouds to deep within a hole within minutes.  It was a day I needed to pick myself up, dust myself off and crawl back into bed.


See what our loved ones do to our emotions.  I was distraught and not proud of it.

My mind wandered off to my mom over and over again.  I missed her with an ache so deep, my heart was crumbling inside me.

She and I were so different.  She was over the top opinionated and believed her way was the only way.  She could be so difficult to reason with and we had our fair share of arguments.

All that aside, she was my best friend.  She never turned her back on me no matter how often I disappointed her.  She held my hand through so many difficulties and through so many life changes.  She never faltered as a mother.  Never.  I did not appreciate that enough while she was alive. 

I wish I could hug her one more time.


She came to me once... It was a time of trial, only a few years ago.

Despite my faith crisis and walking away from the religion she had loved with all her heart, I believe within my soul she was my guide during that moment in life.  I had so many “out of this world” experiences at that time and I cannot explain them. 

I was in the midst of walking away from my life’s foundation and had just been told a handful of secrets my now ex-husband had been keeping from me.  I was, to say the least, emotionally distraught. 

I felt alone in this world.

I had asked my ex-husband two things while we went through our problems:

  1. Keep our problems between us.  Use his family and friends for support, but do not bring my family and friends into it.
  2. Give me space while I processed what I had learned.

He not only did not respect my two wishes, he brought the neighborhood, my friends, my family, his first wife and who knows who else into our marriage.  And to top it off, he smothered me.

Here I was feeling as if my whole life was on display for the world to see, but feeling completely and utterly alone because my family and friends only had his side of the story and WOW, did he spin it for his own benefit.  It was a moment in my life I wanted to crawl into a hole and not come out again.

I was losing my religion and my husband in one full sweep.  He used my faith crisis to spin his victim tale and sadly, most of my family and friends fell for it. 

My heart was broken.

I thought I had done a better job of creating a life of integrity.

It was then I realized, it was not my job to convince my family and friends of the lies he told.  I knew those would come out on their own eventually.  

In the meantime, I refocused my life on my new path and at this point I WAS alone.

Except there were those moments.

The moments where I knew I was being held.  The moments where I knew someone was with me.  I cannot explain it.  I cannot prove it.  I only have my experiences.  They were powerful and I will never forget them.

I could go into detail, but right now I won’t.  They are stories among a story.  Their beauty and power far surpass anything else I have ever experienced.  They are why I cannot say I believe there is nothing after this life.  I cannot prove there is an afterlife, but I hope for one.  And I hold onto those moments, to remind me there is hope.

Listening to this song pulled me out of the fog I have been in for the past few days.

"Long Lost Child" – Mindy Gledhill
Deep within my memory
Where the grass grows to my knees
Where sparrows sing, and all creation speaks to me.

Where clouds rain in noonday sky
With castles, kings, and queens
Where hopes and dreams, and angels’ wings are common things

A long lost child falls behind
And now she is miles and miles from the present time
And just like the birds that fly across the sky
She’s been away awhile
Oh, but I will find her, free from all guile
Beautifully wild
Long lost child

Across the Swanee River
And down in Golden Glen
I saw her face, but I can’t quite remember when

It’s a game of hide and seeking
So tell me, where’d she go?
Perhaps if I inquire, the Brothers Grimm may know?

Oh, a long lost child left behind
She must be miles and miles from the present time
And just like the birds that fly across the sky
She’s been away awhile
Oh, but I will find her, free from all guile
Beautifully wild
Long lost child

Oh, long lost child left behind
You must be miles and miles from the present time
And just like the birds that fly across the sky
You’ve been away awhile
Oh, but I will find you, free from all guile
Beautifully wild
Long lost child

My mom is my angel.  She is beautifully wild and she knew she had to lead me away from my toxic marriage and even more so, toxic religion.  Too much transpired over that year to just be coincidence.  Too many discoveries and so many breakthroughs.  There was more to the story than meets the eye and until I see her again, I will not know that part of the story.

Now I live a life I only dreamed of years ago.  I am writing on a consistence basis.  I have a novel that has been self-published.  Something I did not think possible five years ago.  I am working in a job where I feel appreciated and I feel I am no longer stuck in my career.

The best of all, I have an amazing partner.  He loves me with a depth I cannot explain.  He is patient and understanding and I feel there are no accidents.  My life took the turns it did to lead me to right here. 

I love my life. 

It may have its bumps in the road, but those times only make me appreciate what I have even more.
I am really good at writing sentimental, mushy posts.  I tried to be a funny writer, but they sounded dry and unnatural.  I am not giving up though.  I live a fun and entertaining life and I would love to learn how to put that down onto paper.  For now I can give you these mushy posts.

Until next time, I will leave you with someone else's whimsical meme, in honor of baseball season and women carrying baby's on their hips and still kicking ass…

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